Not just another day :)

Hmm... Heard a news lately... A girl from Temasek Polytechnic committed suicide out of a broken heart.. She was an ex-deyian...

Suddenly, images of me struggling through my secondary school years just replayed in my head... I remembered when I was in secondary school, I too had the thought of committing suicide... I had not much friends.. And wasn't in a very good relationship with my family members... I cried almost everyday in the toilet.. But in school, I always pretended to be strong and could live without friends. It was all my naive thought I guess.. I used to think that I could do without friends. But I was wrong. No matter who it is, everyone had their own weak times where they really need some close friends to be with and to be accompanied by. I can totally understand how it feels like when you meet someone to talk to but you had no one to turn to. Which is why since secondary school, whenever any of my friends need me, I'll definitely make time for them. It's not good to suppress everything inside and endure it all yourself. No one is a superman/woman.

At that time, I really wondered to myself. What have I done wrong to deserve all those treatments? Bro abuse me, mum always scold and nag at me for even the smallest thing, and the relationship between my sis and I have also drifted... Drifted very far... And in school, I've got no friends in class.. And that's not all. People from my class influenced the other people from other classes, other levels, which made me almost had totally no friends in school. The only few friends I've really got, was Jasmine Koh, Melissa Tharmin, and Chiew Hoon. There are somethings which I could share with them. But there are also a lot of things which I couldn't share with them. So basically, I didn't tell anyone about my things. I didn't like to go home, I didn't like to stay in class. But I only like it when I'm having lessons. That's when I can learn new things and consult the teachers on my doubts. Basically my friends were my teachers. Which was why my relationship with the teachers were very good. And I guess that's also part of the reason why my classmates didn't like me? Cos they thought I was a boot licker.

Many didn't know how I went through all those things in secondary school. Some thought that I was mad, can like that suppress my feelings and emotions, while others don't even give a damn. Honestly, I forgot how I became so strong that I could just not tell anyone about what happened in school and at home. But there was a time in Sec 2, where i "abused" myself. I would cut myself on the hand, or even bang myself on the wall.. And there was once, where I wrote a letter to my co-form teacher and told her what I was going through and the things I've done to myself. She was so worried, she referred me to our school external counsellor to go through counselling... Through Miss Lim, I learnt a lot on handling self emotions. And it was also through the counselling sessions, did I stop all my abuse acts on myself and also learnt how to help others handle their emotions.

So what's the morale of the story? Never bury all your emotions all to yourself. Cos you don't know where's your limit. Once it overflows, you might just do anything and everything hurtful to yourself as well as others. Whenever you have troubles, always seek proper channels of help.

In my poly year 1, I got together with a guy called Andrew. Less than 9 months after that, we broke. He initiated. I thought, it was the end of the world. 我糟蹋自己，做了很多在道德上是错误的事。 Trials after trials after trials, I began to really lose dignity and pride for myself. Everything that I do, somehow just need attention. Which is part of the reason why I started to fling, shortly after the broke up. I cried for two weeks. After that, I began to fling. There was a time, where I had more than 5 at a go. I forgot how I managed to do that, but well, it's over. Even when I just got to know piggy, I was actually playing with him.. All inside my mind was, he's my next fling. We got together one week after we know each other on the net.. But as time went by and I saw all the things he has done for me and all the emotional handling that he has helped me through, I know, he's not just another fling. He is one of those whom I can really rely all my life on, and someone whom I can share things with. Though there are still some things which I took time to tell him, but I still told him.. Cos I know, he has the right to know everything about me. I recalled when I came clean about my past to him, he was kinda emo cos he didn't know my past was like that. But well, he accepted. He accepted everything about me. My temper, my past, my tigeress look, my act cute-ness and everything.. Which was what I was very grateful of.. :)

(I think that's the reason why piggy always call me love consultant? Haha...)

Through the dinner date with Eileen, Hui Ping and Takeshi, I really learnt a lot.. And also, managed to salvage the relationship between Take and Mei Zhen.. Really hope they can last. Through Mei Zhen, I saw the image of piggy. Which is now a constant reminder for myself that I cannot two-time him. I don't want him to get hurt. Cos I also hope that we can last. I hope he's my last. :)