:'(

I don't know why, but the nearer 18th May approaches, the more afraid I am..

Why? I'm having my TTSH checkup for my liver on the 18th.

Some people say I'm thinking too much.. But I don't know why, I'm planning for the worst already... And for one thing is, even the doctors don't know the cause yet. I'll never forget the day my blood test result was out, and immediately the doctor called me and told me about the result. I was walking to da bao lunch and go over to piggy's house when the doctor suddenly called me. His tone, all the facts he say, and even the weather, was so dramatic. But it was all real. Initially, when the doctor just called me, the sun was still shining.. But as he told me more and more about my results, the sky became darker and darker, and eventually had lightning and thunder. And when he ended the call, it started to rain. Sounds dramatic I know. But it's true. And the first thing which came to my mind was that it was the end of the world. I lost my health, it seems like I've lost everything. To add on to the fear, the doctor can't even tell whether if it's gonna be dangering my life. It feels like I'm carrying a bomb, which could just explode anytime. I don't know...

I called piggy right after the doctor ended the call. I told piggy exactly what the doctor told me which made me burst out into tears. I don't know what to do. All of a sudden, my world just became black and white (especially when the sky is dark). I teared all the way until I reached piggy's place.

And days after that, it had been at the back of my head.. I wasn't that worried and whatsoever. But amazingly, as 18th approaches, the more afraid I am. I'm afraid that the doctor might diagnose something bad and that I have to go through terrible treatments. As Christians, I know I should not be feeling this way.. But, I really can't help it.. I really don't know why...

Two days ago, piggy had a quarrel with his parents.. After which, I talked to him at the playground.. I suddenly blurt out something which bugging my heart. This was part of what I told him..

"Piggy, you should know my condition very well. Even doctor can't even tell how much time I have. I might just die tomorrow. Nobody can guess about it. I don't even know how many more times I can sit down and talk to you. ..... My point is, I'm so young and I don't even know how much time I have. What's more your parents.. You have to cherish the people around you and treasure them.."

And straight after I finish my words, piggy hugged me tightly and he cried.. It's been a long long time since he hugged me so tightly. Suddenly, I don't wanna die. I wanna have more of this kinda time with piggy. Just lie in the arms of piggy and hear his heartbeat.

God, can you tell me how long more I have? Then I can plan my "numbered days" better.. And with that, I can do more things together with piggy to reduce the number of regrets I have... Lord, I know it's impossible.. But can I demand more time from you? I really need those times....